Who you used to be

I can't believe the person I was 3 years ago compared to the person I am today. That post "Love after Lust" was amazing for me to read. I DID find love. He came to me at work a month after that post was written. His name was Scott. He was everything I;d ever prayed for. LITERALLY. The love was amazing, and we never even made love. That's when I knew it was real...until a fateful day when the enemy confused my emotions and drove them towards another person. My best friend. I guess I never thought I would lose what I had because I began to act selfishly, as if I could have everything I wanted at the same time. That was not the case. My true love, the one I had been waiting for all my life, broke up with me. There went my future. There went everything I believed in when it came to miracles. 5 months later, I couldn't stand to be alone anymore, with that love on my mind every single day. I decided to love another. My best friend. I figured there was no way I could lose them both. Next thing I know I'm about to be a mother with him and all I can think is "There goes my future. there goes all of my potential". Right now I'm at a crossroads between keeping this little life or giving it up. Never did I think I'd be in this situation. Not me. That happens to other people.

I never thought I'd wish this, but I wish I could go back to that pitiful depression I had when I lost my virginity. But that was a trial that had to happen at THAT time, and this one is happening now. Freaks me out to wonder what's going to happen in the future. What life changing decision will I end up making and regretting months and years after?

God, if you're still with me, give me guidance. I don't feel like I've grown, only that I've gotten myself into worse and worse situations...will You ever bless me again? I feel unworthy...

Bumbershoot!

i'm sitting in tunnys dirty frat house where theres no toilet paper girls have to drip dry....or leandra says you can shake it. its been an adventure. we walked halfway around seattle and aroung the whole UW campus. we almost got raped...but not really.

tomorrow we're goin to bumbershoot to have some awesome fun! black eyed peas are performin at like 6 and its most likely gonna be pouring down rain too...oh well thats washington for ya! its like 3 30 in the morning and i'm goin to bed on this comfy leather couch!!!

love after lust

wondering if its still possible to find that dream guy. after being told you've been touched by an angel but that angel has touched many, it makes ya feel like you're undeserving of that one who isn't the angel in disguise. the real thing. is it possible to still find love after lust? or is there no reason to try anymore?

still hopin and prayin that its somewhere out there but feelin unworthy doesn't ya much of an advantage. hopefully starting over is somewhere in the works. just havin a hard time figurin out when to do it.

that feels different...

Virgin for 19 years and finally it happened. there goes waiting for marriage. so many mixed emotions tho cuz the experience felt good and bad. a good christian girl, what happend to those strong morals. one beach house, 6 friends, 2 goodlooking people with a buzz is what happened. 10 seconds of curiosity and apparently that counts for somethin. makin out felt good but WOW! that feels different! too much happened too fast. tryin to figure out the "technical" terms so overanalyzing doesnt happen, but its already happenin. freakin out and laughter come next all at the same time cuz it she couldn't figure out if it was real or not! met a week ago and already shared that connection. she doesnt know what to do, he's confused as to why. its not a big deal, its all natural. you only live once. excuses. a dissapointed mother feels like a failure. nothin for you to look foward to anymore she says. you've conformed. you're no different then them. a daughter who was doing so well is in a spin. confused cuz she liked it. sad cuz she shouldn't have. not the way it was planned to happen, no sexy white gown dyin to get torn off in a Europian hotel. life is different for her now. once wasn't enough, she's already got the craving for more. cuz self control is harder once its been tested and failed.