Who you used to be

I can't believe the person I was 3 years ago compared to the person I am today. That post "Love after Lust" was amazing for me to read. I DID find love. He came to me at work a month after that post was written. His name was Scott. He was everything I;d ever prayed for. LITERALLY. The love was amazing, and we never even made love. That's when I knew it was real...until a fateful day when the enemy confused my emotions and drove them towards another person. My best friend. I guess I never thought I would lose what I had because I began to act selfishly, as if I could have everything I wanted at the same time. That was not the case. My true love, the one I had been waiting for all my life, broke up with me. There went my future. There went everything I believed in when it came to miracles. 5 months later, I couldn't stand to be alone anymore, with that love on my mind every single day. I decided to love another. My best friend. I figured there was no way I could lose them both. Next thing I know I'm about to be a mother with him and all I can think is "There goes my future. there goes all of my potential". Right now I'm at a crossroads between keeping this little life or giving it up. Never did I think I'd be in this situation. Not me. That happens to other people.

I never thought I'd wish this, but I wish I could go back to that pitiful depression I had when I lost my virginity. But that was a trial that had to happen at THAT time, and this one is happening now. Freaks me out to wonder what's going to happen in the future. What life changing decision will I end up making and regretting months and years after?

God, if you're still with me, give me guidance. I don't feel like I've grown, only that I've gotten myself into worse and worse situations...will You ever bless me again? I feel unworthy...